I don’t know where it started but now I’m pretty confused with these mix feelings I have for you. You were my consistent even if it was never about us. You made me so happy after everything that I’ve been through. If only we met first, maybe then we could’ve happened. You got me cursing fate and wishing it never happened. But today, I finally asked you to tell him about what we have and you weren’t scared anymore. If only you could witness the spark of light in my dark eyes. You pulled me out of that dark cliff I’ve been hanging on for so long when I thought nobody would. I guess it wasn’t your intention to save me but you did. And now you got me wishing I was yours and you were mine. I wonder if we could happen. But if not, I’m still glad I got to have something with someone like you.
Hypothetically speaking, if I was ever to fall in love anytime soon, I want him to be the one I fall for. As I lie down wasting time overthinking about life in general, I thought about the few guys that I’ve been flirting with at the moment. Basically I’ve been flirting with quite a couple of guys. Of course I’m not going to name them by their real names. There’s Adam, the hottie. I like everything about his physical appearance. Whenever I think about him, it’s like my whole body melts. Everyone I knew complimented me for catching his attention. “Solid,” they described him. Then there’s Francisco. Well, there’s nothing much about Francisco. It was just that he was rich and he finds me super cute. I’m not really interested in him that much. Next is Austin—the cute bad boy. It’s funny because the first time I saw him, I already knew that I wanted him and I knew he felt the same. But he didn’t do anything about it because he’s the “bad boy” or the typical fuck boy. The second time I saw him was in a college party. I knew he knew me because we were standing about a foot away from each other and he kept looking at me but he still wouldn’t introduce himself. After so long, I saw him talking to a common friend, gossiping about some fight that happened in the party. Taking the opportunity to talk to him, I asked who was the one fighting. He took the cue and finally introduced himself, and then he never left my side the whole night. “Gotcha,” I thought with a big smile on my face. Of course let us not forget the campus crush that doesn’t fall in love. It took me months of chasing Sander. And then finally, we officially met for the first time. I used all my charms with him and now he’s wrapped around my fingers too. With all the boys I flirt with, I can’t see myself dating them really. Well, except maybe Adam but then it’s just all physical. I enjoy flirting with him and I enjoy how every one looks at me whenever I’m out publicly displaying flirtation with these boys. But that is it. Nothing is what I feel for these men. Though I can have whomever I want, there’s still this one guy—practically the only guy worth falling for. But with all the sadness in the world, I couldn’t have him due to some difficulties with the people around us. If we take what we have to the next level, we’re going to hurt someone. And that he couldn’t do. It makes us both wish that we met in another time or if the situation was different. I think about him a lot and how maybe we could be. But then reality wouldn’t let us happen. I wonder now if he’d fall in love with me, would he fight for me or would he just keep it to himself and runaway every time he thinks he’s having feelings? If only our relationship wasn’t complicated because I couldn’t find a decent person enough worth risking my heart for other than him. “We want what we can’t have. It’s human nature,” Cora Carmack once said.
I, kind of, miss being in a relationship. Sometimes, I even mistake it for missing you. I miss how fun it was. But I don’t miss you anymore. In fact, I’m into him right now. All the things I did with you, I’m wishing right now that I could also do them with him. All the beautiful memories I shared with you, I wish I had with him too. I miss being in a relationship but I no longer want it with you.
I know it’s not nothing between him and I. It doesn’t feel anything close to nothing. In fact, I got both of us wishing you and I never happened. But even after we’ve moved on, you still had a say in who dates me. I love him, you know. I really do. He loves me too. I never thought I could love anyone again. But for him, my heart once again opened itself. It’s different with him. He doesn’t stress me out. We laugh all the time. There’s no jealousy, no anger and no fights. It’s easy with him. That’s the kind of relationship I’ve been looking for since the beginning. And thank God I found it, even if it was not with you. Thank God, we didn’t work out. Otherwise I wouldn’t have the one I’m looking for because to be honest, I would’ve settled for you. It’s a good thing fate brought me to him. What I had with you was very special. You were my first. I didn’t think I could love anyone else as much as I loved you and I’ll probably never will. But I love him, maybe even more than I ever loved you. Thank you for letting me go because if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have met the one. He’s the one.
Sam was everything that I wanted from a guy. He was kind, sweet, understanding and patient. He was simply perfect. The best part is that he loved me more than anything in the world. And I love him for being there for me at my worst. He held me close to him when I was losing myself. He helped me walk toward the light. He was simply everything I could ask for. He was nothing like Drake yet I couldn’t seem to love him as much. However much I try, I couldn’t forget Drake. And I can’t do it—I can’t break Sam’s heart. He was too good for me.
I tried my best to forget my feelings for Drake but he just kept coming back. And every time he does, I try to ignore him because of Sam. But I guess Sam noticed it because one day he came up to me and told me that he loved me so much and he needs to let me go. I was in deep shock. I was simply mesmerized at how much this man loved me and how much I caused him pain. But even though would hurt him to let me go, he still and always have put me first. And for that I will be eternally grateful to the one guy that had truly loved me. Because of you, I learned the true meaning to true love. Thank you, Sam. You’ll forever be in my heart.
I’m okay now. I’ve been seeing someone already. I’m no longer begging for you to come back whenever I text you from time to time. I’ve finally accepted the fact that we are over. But that doesn’t mean I want to lose you in life forever. It is because I acknowledge the fact that we had something special before it happened. And if it would be fine with you, I would like to keep you in my life. Like I always tell you, just because we’re over doesn’t mean I couldn’t care less about you. It doesn’t change how I feel about you. I will always care for you. Of course, there are days when I wonder how you are or if you’re okay and that’s why I check up on you from time to time. Please believe that even if I did cheat on you, it doesn’t mean that I loved you any less or that I loved to people at the same time. A million apologies would not equal to how much I’ve hurt you, I know. But for what it’s worth, and for the millionth time, I am truly sorry. There isn’t a day that has gone by that I don’t regret what I did to you, trust me. Every night it haunts me to think that I’ve hurt the only person I ever loved. As much as I’d prefer you to be with me, I’m very much afraid that I might hurt you again. It is because I loved you so much that I had to let you go a long time. I want you to love again and give your heart again to the one worthy of it like it was never broken. Yes, I miss you from time to time, if you’re wondering, but I really want you heal and to be happy. I don’t want you to be this jerk that you’ve become; the person whose heart was broken by some girl and is now breaking the hearts of many. I still care about you and how you are. This is why I am very concerned about you. A part of me feels very much responsible for whom you’ve become and I don’t like it. I don’t want you to ruin your life just because of it. You’re better than this. Let it be a lesson to you and make you a better person. I’ve learned my mistake. Yes, I shouldn’t have cheated on you. And for a time, I let myself get lost in the darkness because I didn’t want to accept the fact that we are over. Because it hurt so much that I still loved you and chose you after everything but you walked a different path, one that doesn’t have me in it. But now, I’m okay. I’m in a better place now. I found my peace and I hope you find yours too. Please feel everything instead of pretending to be numb. Don’t burry them all inside you because it will consume you and get the best of you. Be strong, not for me, but for yourself. You’ll get through this eventually. I felt you. I felt your pain, and I wanted to lessen it and just hug you. I wanted you to be okay. I wish that when I let you go completely, you’d be this person I could say was my loss. I wish that when I start to move on, I wouldn’t look back at you because I already have assurance that you’re doing better without me, that it doesn’t hurt anymore. And when you hear my name, you’ll actually smile and say, “I loved that girl once”. I don’t want you to be bitter. Yes, I hurt you but focus on the fact that I loved you so much it actually drove me crazy. It drove us crazy. And when you accept it, you’ll look back at our past and see that it was actually beautiful. You’re holding onto the bad side of our relationship. Let it go. Let the pain go. Let me go. And when that happens, I promised I’d let go too.
The one and only
The day will come when you no longer think about him all the time. You will truly and completely be healed. If you’re reading this and you remember me, don’t. Don’t reminisce because the person you’re trying to remember is better off dead and forgotten. She is in a very bad shape right now. Better than before but still pretty much consumed by darkness. Though I haven’t really thought about him lately. I guess I’m a step closer to you now. However, I fear very much the day that I might break down and take a step back. I really cannot afford another episode of my sadness otherwise I would lose all hope of ever getting to you. I need to move on. I really do.I need to meet you because I’ve been hating on the person that I’ve become now. Thus, your existence is a must. Because I need to believe that this pain could and will end. Because I cannot be miserable forever, right?
“How did you meet mom again, Dad?” his thirteen-year-old daughter asked as she started to chew on her pancakes. He blinked and smiled as he remembered. He gently set a side the daily paper that he had been reading a moment ago and began recalling his memories of her.
It was about twenty years ago when he first met her. He used to sleep in the rooftop of his building in school because it was the most peaceful place there was and no one really came up there but him. However, one day, a scream from a frustrated girl woke him up. She was rambling about how she hated the school and how the students annoyed her. To his annoyance, he stood up and came to her side. When she sensed that there was someone else on the roof, she stopped screaming and started apologizing to him. He looked at her; she was crying. She was a very odd girl, he thought, a crazy one even. He didn’t exactly know why but the urge to hug her and make her feel better was rushing throughout his veins. He knew he wasn’t in love with her, he was sure of it. It was because he’s heart already belonged to someone else. Samantha was his childhood friend, sister, and lover. She was everything to him. Samantha was his first love.
A few days came by and he became close with this odd girl from the rooftop. He wasn’t really the type to just be friends with anyone. He simply just felt uncomfortable being with some people since his parents died. But to his surprise, being with this girl made him feel comfort. She felt like home. Not to mention, she was basically the kindest person he has ever met. Her being kind did not make her weak; instead it made her very strong and it amazed him.
His best friend, Trevor loved to play with her. Often times, Trevor would put her in pain just for fun. He hated seeing her broken so he became his savior. But he didn’t really go against it because he knew, deep down inside of Trevor, he was simply expressing the feelings he refused to admit to her. He knew that Trevor secretly fancied her and he was fine with it because of Samantha.
One day, Samantha came home from volunteering in Africa. He was so excited that his love was back. His light has finally gone back. Everything was good up until she told him that she was leaving again and was never coming back. He was broken but he understood her. Because though Samantha did love him back, she was busy growing herself. Samantha was indeed beautiful, and what is most amazing about her is that she visions to see and make the world as beautiful as her. With that, he lost his first love. Little did he know everything would’ve been better because that’s when he found his true love, his soul mate.
She was there with him through his darkest moments with Samantha. She wouldn’t admit it but the more time he spent with Samantha, the more she grew closer to Trevor and began developing feelings that she didn’t want to feel. He knew she loved him since the beginning and now that he’s ready to love her, she seems to be drifting further from his grasp. Because he loved both her and his best friend, he swallowed his feelings and allowed them to be together. However, their relationship had been very difficult for everyone because she was constantly hurting due to Trevor’s family issues. Trevor’s mom was very harsh on her because his mom believed that she wasn’t good enough for him. Seeing her like that, he didn’t like it. He had her back twice as much as before and started filling the holes that Trevor left her. It broke his heart every time she shed a tear. He focused all his energy in loving her. It was his way of thanking her for making him smile and saving him from depression. He became a different person ever since he met her. She simply moved his soul. Thus, he felt like he should do everything in his power to make her happy. However much he professed his love to her, he knew her heart already belonged to Trevor. He wanted to hate Trevor for hurting her all the time but he couldn’t. She taught his heart not to hate but instead to love.
Unfortunately, she didn’t end up with Trevor. It was just too complicated that she couldn’t take it anymore. As a reaction to this, Trevor flew to the states and married whom his parents arranged for him to. She stayed behind and continued her life. He stayed with her throughout everyday of her time in the darkness. Slowly, he was able to pull her out. He asked for another chance with her. Thankfully, she never truly unloved him. They were soul mates. After years of being in love, he asked her to marry him. Then the day came and it was the happiest day of his life. He couldn’t have asked for anything. Though he knew that she would never love anyone as much as she loved Trevor, being able to love her for the rest of his life was enough for him. Because he never truly asked her to love him back because he knew that Trevor was her true love and he was just her soul mate. But to him, she was his soul mate, true love and everything. The fact that she loved him back even if it was not as great, was truly enough for him.
“And that’s the story of your mom and I,” he to his daughter with joyful eyes.
“Are you saying that you love me more that I love you, honey?” she interrupted, laughing.
He blinked and laughed. She bent down to kiss his forehead. “Honey, I’ve always loved you either way and I will always. You’ve loved me too much, that’s true. Thank you, let me love you forever in return.”
He smiled because he remembered that Trevor went back to her after he was divorced. Trevor was begging for her to come back to him. He always thought that the moment Trevor came back to her, she would leave him. To his surprise, she shook her head and came home to him. For that, he was ever so grateful. She chose him. She finally chose him.
Distractions. Distractions. Distractions. I need more distractions. I need to keep myself busy, trying to avoid thinking of you. So that one day, I could live a day without thinking about you. Because the more I distract myself from thinking of you, the less I miss being with you and the more I could see myself without you. Today I spent the day at Abe’s. Somehow, I’m slowly forgetting you.
I once loved a boy named Trevor Mason. He was my first love, and he broke my heart. It took me almost a year to move on from him. And I was never the same; I used to be all sweet and innocent but then Trevor killed me. He sucked out every bit of goodness within my soul. I promised myself I would never let anyone break my heart again. I didn’t want to die again. I was stuck in that dark place where there was no light, no sign of life, up until I met Austin Blaine.
For the first time since Trevor, I saw the light again. With Austin, however, it was different. He felt more of a home than an adventure. Where Trevor made me alive, Austin made me feel safe—like he would never let me fall into that dark place again. That’s when I knew that I was ready to give my heart again. Finally, I was ready to put myself out there but fate was playing with me. Just when I was about to move on to Austin, Trevor came running back to me.
“I want you back. It was a mistake to let you go. What we had was unlike any other—our love was real. And I’m sorry that I didn’t fight for us,” he told me.
It got me all mixed up with my feelings because what he said was so damn true. Austin was my saviour but Trevor was my true love. And just when I thought I was sure that my feelings for Trevor were no longer existent, it made me question if what I felt for Austin was real. I was so confused. I couldn’t choose. I asked both guys for some time alone. Thankfully, they were patient enough to let me go find myself while they wait for me.
It took me about a week until I found myself. I knew now who I was going to choose. I grabbed my phone and dialled his number. It rang thrice until he answered it. “Hello,” he said.
“Trevor, can you come over? I need to tell you something.”
“Um, sure! I’ll be there in ten.”
He was on time. Ten minutes after I hung up, the door bell rang. Trevor stood behind the door wearing a basketball shorts and a t-shirt. He looked like he was about to play ball. But I knew Trevor well enough to tell that it was only because he told his parents that he was going to gym instead of telling them that he was visiting me. Trevor was prideful. He didn’t want people to know that he was crawling his way back to his ex’s house to get back with her. I broke him just as much as he broke me. It was a sign that our love was so intense that it burnt us both.
“Trevor, I loved you. I still do. So much that it kills me every time I think about us. It scared me at first, not being with you. I always thought we were forever. But then I broke your heart—I’m sorry for that—and in return you broke mine. I never thought I could recover from it, but then I met Austin. I fell for him, but it wasn’t like what I felt for you. Every day, the thought of you haunts me and the only distraction that worked was Austin. But there are still times when I can’t help but miss you—miss us. Our love, it was beautiful, so passionate. It was bright—so bright that it burnt me, us. My heart, it never left you but now, I’m taking it back. Trevor, I loved you so much. You made me feel alive but you also sucked the life out of me. It is because of you that I am choosing Austin. It is because of you that I learned to play on the safe side so I won’t get hurt. It is because of you that I’m afraid to get hurt. And with Austin, it will be different.”
“And how are you sure about that?” he said bitterly.
I looked him straight in the eyes; it bore a sea of sadness. It hurt to see him get hurt, and it killed me that I was the one hurting him. I loved him, I always had. But sometimes, it wasn’t all about love. I sighed and said to him, “Because he isn’t you, baby.”
I had once loved a girl so much. Even though we’ve only been together for a couple of months, it was everything to me. Stefanie Colerico was different from all the girls I’ve been with. We had a love that consumed us up to the point where it ruined us. I never knew I could love someone so much and can be hurt as much by the same person. With her, I discovered that there is a thin line between love and hate. Our love, it wasn’t perfect. In fact, it was messy and fatal. It burnt through our soul and it made us do the things we never thought we would do. At the beginning, our love grew but then the flame was too much, it had to burn something. True to it, she cheated on me with my friend. The pain was unbearable. It slowly killed me. I hated her so much for hurting me but I hated myself more because I still loved her despite everything she’s put me through. I channeled all my anger into revenge. I tried to fuck her up like how she fucked me up. But instead, I looked into her eyes and I fell in love all over again. Her sadness—it was beautiful. It made me want grab her, hold her tight and take care of her.
“I was just trying to fuck you up. It was all part of my plan to hurt you,” I said as we argued once before.
She looked me straight into the eyes and said, “you’re lying. I can see it in your eyes.”
She was right; I was lying. I still love her even if I kept lying to everyone including myself about it. I couldn’t leave her alone. Usually whenever I give up, they always give up too. With Stefanie, though, it was different. She always fought me even if I pushed her away so hard.
There was a point when I didn’t want to deal with her anymore; that I was too tired of all the bull shit. But then I see her with my best friend, Gabe—whom she’s been crushing on since we broke up—and I get all angry and jealous. I don’t care, I don’t care, I delusively told myself. But the truth is, I did care… so much. It made me come up with lies like how I told her that Gabe hated her even when Gabe didn’t. I was scared because deep down inside of me, I always suspected that Gabe really did fancy her. I knew they would never have hit it off because Gabe was my best friend. However, some part of me was still scared since Stefanie did have that charm that you just couldn’t resist. Thankfully, they never did hit it off.
Whenever I tried so hard to hurt Stefanie, she just hurt me right back where it hurts the most. I blocked her everywhere because it just hurt so damn much seeing her with all those boys that are hung up on her. I still don’t know why she does it. Because I was scared of falling madly in love with her again, or at least admitting that I still was, I started showing off that I was happy with a new girl—someone she used to be jealous of when we were still dating. She was mad when she first heard about it but then, to my shock; it was as if I just pushed her more towards happiness. She was supposed to be hurt and hung up on me for replacing her, but instead she did the opposite. She started to bloom and started fix herself. I pushed her so hard that she started fighting for herself instead of fighting for me. And it made me miserable because she was happy without me.
After that, I’ve never truly loved anyone so passionate. She was the one person I hated most but she was also the one I loved the most. She was my great love. Not because our relationship was great but because our love was so passionate. It had no boundaries, no limiting. It was beyond measure, nothing you could imagine. She was someone I loved so much up to the point where I literally wanted to kill her. Stefanie Colerico was not the girl I married. She was not the one I’ve dated for the longest. In fact, she was the shortest amongst all. And though I am happy with the one I call my soul mate, Stefanie Colerico was, still, and will always be the love of my life.