The Reason Why I Chose Austin

I once loved a boy named Trevor Mason. He was my first love, and he broke my heart. It took me almost a year to move on from him. And I was never the same; I used to be all sweet and innocent but then Trevor killed me. He sucked out every bit of goodness within my soul. I promised myself I would never let anyone break my heart again. I didn’t want to die again. I was stuck in that dark place where there was no light, no sign of life, up until I met Austin Blaine.

For the first time since Trevor, I saw the light again. With Austin, however, it was different. He felt more of a home than an adventure. Where Trevor made me alive, Austin made me feel safe—like he would never let me fall into that dark place again. That’s when I knew that I was ready to give my heart again. Finally, I was ready to put myself out there but fate was playing with me. Just when I was about to move on to Austin, Trevor came running back to me.

“I want you back. It was a mistake to let you go. What we had was unlike any other—our love was real. And I’m sorry that I didn’t fight for us,” he told me.

It got me all mixed up with my feelings because what he said was so damn true. Austin was my saviour but Trevor was my true love. And just when I thought I was sure that my feelings for Trevor were no longer existent, it made me question if what I felt for Austin was real. I was so confused. I couldn’t choose. I asked both guys for some time alone. Thankfully, they were patient enough to let me go find myself while they wait for me.

It took me about a week until I found myself. I knew now who I was going to choose. I grabbed my phone and dialled his number. It rang thrice until he answered it. “Hello,” he said.

“Trevor, can you come over? I need to tell you something.”

“Um, sure! I’ll be there in ten.”

He was on time. Ten minutes after I hung up, the door bell rang. Trevor stood behind the door wearing a basketball shorts and a t-shirt. He looked like he was about to play ball. But I knew Trevor well enough to tell that it was only because he told his parents that he was going to gym instead of telling them that he was visiting me. Trevor was prideful. He didn’t want people to know that he was crawling his way back to his ex’s house to get back with her. I broke him just as much as he broke me. It was a sign that our love was so intense that it burnt us both.

“Trevor, I loved you. I still do. So much that it kills me every time I think about us. It scared me at first, not being with you. I always thought we were forever. But then I broke your heart—I’m sorry for that—and in return you broke mine. I never thought I could recover from it, but then I met Austin. I fell for him, but it wasn’t like what I felt for you. Every day, the thought of you haunts me and the only distraction that worked was Austin. But there are still times when I can’t help but miss you—miss us. Our love, it was beautiful, so passionate. It was bright—so bright that it burnt me, us. My heart, it never left you but now, I’m taking it back. Trevor, I loved you so much. You made me feel alive but you also sucked the life out of me. It is because of you that I am choosing Austin. It is because of you that I learned to play on the safe side so I won’t get hurt. It is because of you that I’m afraid to get hurt. And with Austin, it will be different.”

“And how are you sure about that?” he said bitterly.

I looked him straight in the eyes; it bore a sea of sadness. It hurt to see him get hurt, and it killed me that I was the one hurting him. I loved him, I always had. But sometimes, it wasn’t all about love. I sighed and said to him, “Because he isn’t you, baby.”


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